Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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