so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
