NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
