She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
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