onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
