So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
3 2 1 whiskey
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
