Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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