If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
