Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
