you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
