I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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