I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
