He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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