I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
