I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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