i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
