I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
