i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
