Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
