I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
