While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
