I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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