So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize