sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
