blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
