Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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