he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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