Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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