I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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