just come out here and I will go home with you...
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
