so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
