dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
