There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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