a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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