I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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