I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
