I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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