that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
