I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
