The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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