hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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