I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
