hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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