Tell her she can't have a vagina
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
