I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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