I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
