Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
