I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
