apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
