I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
