Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
