Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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