My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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