Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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