You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
