I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
