i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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