So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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