I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
