My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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