I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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