I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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